Class Bully
Q, Dear Bracha, My ten year old son comes home from school very disturbed. Apparently there is a class bully who humiliates and teases him and does the same for anyone who tries to oppose him. While I suggested to my son that I would call his teachers, principal or the parents of this boy to apprise them of the situation, he is afraid of repercussions and things turning even worse. What should I do? Is there a way to teach him how to handle these bullies?
A. You are asking me a very difficult question. Unlike other parenting questions where the action to correct the situation is largely in the hands of the parents, in bullying parents are basically helpless to protect their child and must rely on others involved which may have poor results.
First let me say that your son’s fear of repercussions is unfortunately well founded. As we all know children can be quite cruel at times and whatever he is experiencing it can get worse. Please try to keep things in perspective and remember your son is already showing good character traits, as we are told; Who is strong? One who is slow to anger and has control over his passions. Your son did not respond in anger and strike out at his tormentor; he is showing the good stuff he is made of!
There are a few things that you can do in order to help your son deal with the situation. The main thing to understand is that bullying is an attack on a person’s self-esteem. The bully makes the victim feel helpless to control the situation as well as literally telling the victim he is worthless. Your primary concern after the physical safety of your son would be to build up his self-esteem in real and tangible ways in order for him to be able to grow and gain strength, so that he will never be in a position of believing what the bully is saying about him. Eventually it is hoped that the victim will be able to truly understand that NO ONE has the right to do this to them and be able to stand up to the bully on their own.
It may be useful to look into groups that help children develop social skills or are geared to those children having problems such as your son. Start by asking your pediatrician about any information he may have in this area. Bullying is a very serious problem and should never be taken lightly.
Let me leave you with a few more thoughts about bullying. Some schools have a zero tolerance policy for bullying. However the policy is only as good as those who implement it. Direction and effectiveness comes down from the top. You should assess the competence of the administration and teachers who will be directly involved if you bring the matter to their attention. If you wish to go ahead and speak to them, it is not necessary for you to mention the perpetrators name. By withholding the name of the bully, yet making sure the adults are aware that bullying is taking place allows them to increase their vigilance of the class room situation in a more even manner. A lot depends on whether the school has been successful in handling such situations in the past as like everything else, it takes practice to be able to deal these situations effectively.
Some schools have done an excellent job in training their students to support one another and stand united in unfair situations. Teaching children to voice their concerns as a group standing up to the perpetrator and tell him that he is being unfair or mean, has an immediately positive effect on the situation. The perpetrator is also a person that staff should be focusing on to promote his self-worth by commenting when his behaves positively.
I hope I have been some help in this difficult situation. No matter what is going on at school, make sure your son is involved in the home doing things that are helpful or developing skills that he appreciates and you can comment positively on. As long as he can think of himself as a capable person he will have what it takes to rise above his current situation. Wishing you and your family all the best – Bracha
