How Do I Teach Honesty to My Children?

Q. I have younger children and would like to pick up on the question of honesty you were discussing. How do you teach such an abstract idea to a young child?

A. I have had quite a few comments from readers who pointed out that children cannot believe that honesty has any value if those around them are lying, specifically their parents. Even “little white lies” destroy all credibility. To a child a lie is a lie, you cannot teach them by saying, “do as I say not as I do” it won’t work, nor should it. If you, their parent don’t place any real value on this then why should they?

So the first thing you have to ask your self is how honest am I? No more little lies in order to get out of a tight spot, you don’t have to be cruel and hurt others, but surly you can work your way around the few times this is really the problem. How honest are you really. Do you call in to work sick, when you’re not. Do you write out an excuse for your child’s homework not done, that is fabricated. If a cashier were to give you too much change, would you tell her and give it back?

So the first step is your example, the nest step is how important it means to you that a person is honest. When you read the paper and someone has been untruthful, what do you say? What if it was a Politian that you believed in and it was well known in your family that you admired him, would you now be making excuses for him? Honesty is linked to trust, how you can ever trust a person who has proven themselves dishonest? Will it be apparent to your children that this person whom you once admired has now lost respect in your eyes? Will they understand that you believe it is a horrible thing to be untrustworthy, for a persons word to have no meaning. These are concepts that help explain the importance of honesty to a child.

The most important factor is your reaction.

The most impressive scenario that is frequently used by families is in terms of sibling interaction. At some point one sibling will accuse another of lying; it is at that point your reaction to such an accusation is key. Lying is a premeditated action that is based on deceit, unless you were aware that the situation is otherwise, most children are not lying. They may be mistaken, have forgotten or be confused in their facts or even impulsive, but not lying. Your reaction is being closely watched, in this scenario you would come down on the accuser insisting that it was a horrible thing to say about your “brother” ….. He may be mistaken but he would never lie! He would never, purposely, not say the truth! Emote here and mean it, children know when you are faking.

You would still be able to handle the situation and deal with it in terms of a “mistake” and deal with the accusers issues. If a child does take up lying you will have to call a spade a spade, but until you have no other option, you emotional reaction to such an accusation speaks volumes. Sincerity comes across, what is felt in the heart leaves impressions on the soul.

Wishing you and your young family all the best - Bracha