It's a Trap! - 10 Month Old Screams for Everything

Q. Dear Bracha, I have 10 month old son. In the past month he has started screaming every time he is the least bit frustrated or wants something. I have heard that children are often looking for any attention (negative or positive) so I try to ignore him while he's doing this. However, I do feel bad as he has no other means to communicate yet. How should I handle this?

A. It’s a trap! It’s a trap! It’s a trap! He’s playing the old scream (or cry or make whiny noises of discontent), while his mother goes through the twenty thousand question game to find out what it is that he wants. “Do you want a toy, do you want a cookie, do you want a drink…do you want me to play with you” – that’s it!!! And that is exactly what you are doing. Your son has gotten you to play with him and whatever he wanted, if indeed he did want anything, is beside the point. His main goal for this type of behavior is to keep you engaged and focused on him, and as you can see, it’s very successful.

Let me mention one more thing, before we continue our analyzing of this subject. I usually get this question from parents whose children are a little bit older than yours, so right off the bat, even though your child’s behavior is a standard behavior, he is very precocious to start so early. I would assume you have a very smart child on your hands. Sharpen your analytical skills and make sure he is not wrapping you around his little finger, a common hazard for parents who have exceptional bright children.

Your analysis of the situation was correct, but not its conclusion. Your child’s frustration is not because of things he cannot tell you but because he has learned by observation, that this “act” – which is all it is, an act – of frustration will keep you engaged with him. So, to clarify, all he wants is to keep you engaged with him. Mommy play with me, mommy pay attention to me.

We have discussed the fundamentals of attention on these pages. Briefly, Attention is; Talking, Touch and Eye contact. Take it away during poor behavior add it during good behavior. I suggest you be very deliberate in your use of this technique and very strict since what your son is showing you now, can become “personality traits” if not nipped in the bud early. Even though we can get into a “cart before the horse” discussion of nature verses nurture, any child who gets results from showing frustration is a child who will not try to control himself even if he can, because he has learned that if he drives his mother crazy and she will give him anything he wants, just to get him off her back.

Please note; any child screaming at a parent is not OK at any age. Even very young children who have no immediate real needs (ie they just want a cookie) and lie down at your feet screaming for an hour is parental abuse and should not be tolerated. Why doesn’t the child give up if ignored? It is not uncommon to have a young child scream or cry next to his parent for a half hour while being ignored but he does not give up. This is because a child does not perceive a down side to the crying, therefore to avoid this from happening with a child who does not respond to being ignored, a negative consequence must be imposed.

Method:

You know when your child starts screaming (inappropriately) remove attention from him. Give him a short instructional phrase to guide him towards expected behavior, five words if possible, don’t make eye contact with him when you say it – look over his head. Assuming this causes him pause for even 60 seconds, you can then move in with positive attention in the form of engaging him on your terms.

For Example, when your son is getting that frustrated look and “noisily” seems to indicate he wants something, perhaps a toy. Your response, verbal, “Johnny, I can’t help you unless you carefully point to it (this is just an example statement, say anything that makes sense to you). You say this while looking above his head and then turn your back to him. He sits their puzzled making up his mind for his next move, but he has been quite for 60 seconds (go even shorter if you have to at this age!). Turn and scoop him up saying “wow that was good, I see your thinking about things, why don’t we read a book for a little while”. You could have played a game or taken him into the kitchen with you and put him in the high chair, give him a few cheerios and keep making supper while talking to him and making strong eye contact as frequently as possible.

For a very young child who is screaming you may move him away to a safe place (not his bed/crib) or give him a time out, tell him when he stops cry/screaming we can talk. Do not lock him into any area or room – just place him in a safe area where you can keep an eye on him. When he stop crying immediately go to him and pick him up and complement him on his self-control and you happy that we can talk now, etc..

What have you accomplished? You have separated his negative behavior from having any positive results. You have shown appreciation and positive interaction in response to his ability to “control” himself/follow instructions. Children have a real need to receive attention from their parents. Note that I said need not want, this need must be met. Keep in mind that if you are going to be interacting with him anyway, why not maintain control of the situation and give him attention by creating positive situations.

If allowed to develop, poor habits of behavior when young, these habits will become the norm for children, swallowing up their good natures and are very difficult to correct as they become older. The sooner poor behavior is corrected the happier everyone will be.

Wishing you and your family all the best – Bracha