Teaching Self-Control

Q. My ten-year-old is a sweet boy who is usually pleasant and polite. However, he has a habit that is driving me, my husband, and my nine-year-old daughter up the wall.

My son loves calling my daughter names even though he is aware how sensitive she is, and sometimes, when he gets excited, he will grab her around the neck and squeeze her a little too hard.

I know my son loves his sister. When I catch them playing nicely together, I always praise them. I always show affection to my son with hugs and kisses. I have tried negative and positive reinforcement, but nothing seems to work.

Help! I need advice.

Dear need advice

It sounds as if you are on the right track using positive and negative reinforcement. It is never easy to troubleshoot for parenting problems from a few lines of explanation. Interactions between people are full of nuance that means so much, but let me suggest a few things to look at.

First, when you say your son has a “habit that is driving you up a wall” that may mean that this “habit” is occurring frequently, possibly several times a day.

He “loves” to call her names even though she is sensitive = he calls her (derogatory) names?

When he is “excited?”(=upset?) he will grab her around the neck and squeeze her a little too hard = he chokes her?

Forgive me for trying to tease out the essence of the problem. I know I may be very off base here, I hope you will forgive me. So my first guess and I admit it is just a guess, is that your son is having some difficulty controlling himself in certain situations. The question you must first ask yourself is what is the common denominator in these situations? Is he angry? Was he too hyped up? Did he want something someone else had? Was he being teased?

It is always easy for anyone to act nice and be pleasant when things are going their way and they are having a good day. But the real measure of a person is how they react and handle themselves when things aren’t going their way. Even though a person may be disappointed or frustrated, this is not a good excuse for lashing out or not being able to control himself. So first, if you have not done so already, teach your son about controlling himself and responsibility. Note please that the only thing a person truly controls in this world is how they react and what they do, if you give up this control over yourself then you truly control nothing!

Your son is ten, tell him clearly what you expect of him, no excuses, and then enforce it with consequences. PERIOD.

Never again be drawn into explaining why he has a consequence for his behavior, as discussion acts as a reward for negative behavior, five short words should suffice. No doubt he is a smart boy and knows these actions are wrong, so if he tells you he forgot, no need to go over everything again, the consequence will help him remember.

So what am I saying here? There are two main issues that are at the heart of such a problem:

1. Lack of control –requiring anger management or impulse control techniques

OR

2. He is receiving something out of the interaction or what follows.

For #1 you can ask for professional help but analyzing the interactions is extremely useful. The problem should be analyzed as consisting of three sections: the setup, the act, the aftermath. The use of your analytical skills cannot be overly stressed!

Analyzing the set up and the act are very important to help with issue #1. But it is the aftermath that feeds into issue #2!

Please note that anything that causes a parent to “jump into the fray” is a very successful attention getting device. Even though you may feel that your son would not perpetuate a situation where he receives a negative response, that is not true in the world of child behavior. Children are “hard wired” to seek out attention from their parents, and it’s so much easier to gain it negatively than positively. Talking to him or interacting even with touch or eye contact acts as reward for behavior. You must make sure he gains no reward for his actions – in terms of attention - as well as giving him consequences.

For example, let’s say your son has just squeezed your daughter “a little too hard” a totally unacceptable act, to which no excuse could justify and none should be allowed to be voiced (another attention getting device – one on one time while they explain). Immediately you say “no choking!” and give a consequence, such as he immediately folds all the towels in the laundry. Consequences should be immediate, appropriate and short, something that makes him do work for 10 minutes is usually enough.

Give this some thought. I would like to ask what your daughter’s role in this is. Is she promoting this behavior as the victim she also may benefit with increased attention from parents? This may be easier to see in the case of her being “sensitive” - how sensitive is she? Do you have to tip toe around her so she won’t be upset? Only you can tell if her complaints are justified. However with the “grab her around the neck and squeeze her a little too hard” this can never be tolerated, but did she set him up? This is not a case of blaming the victim; your son must be held accountable for his actions. But children can and often do interact so that parents are brought into the situation and the children gain attention in terms they have become willing to accept.

I think I have given you something to think about, but there is one more thing. The need for attention is a legitimate need and as such must be fulfilled. If your children are showing a need for more attention from you at certain times of the day (when they have poor behavior) then I suggest giving it to them on your terms. Before they behave poorly bring them into your circle, get them to help you or do things with you such as help prepare supper. This concept of providing more positive interactions is a book in its self. Give it some thought, see if you can head off some of this negative behavior, with that and the redirection of attention and the consequences you should be able to make headway on these issues.

Your ability to take a step back and analyze the situation will lead to a greater understanding of what is really going on between you and your children. Your love and concern for them is very evident and will lead to the close knit family you are aiming for. Wishing you all the best - Bracha