Mom, I'm Bored!!
Q. Dear Bracha, My children, 3, 6 and 10 years old have a difficult time occupying themselves. It's almost like they always want me to entertain them, take them to exciting places and keep them busy. I'm constantly hearing "we're bored!" or "what should we do, now?" from them. What would be reasonable to expect from children at this age? Do I need to be a full-time comedian/entertainer or should they be able to occupy themselves for some time on their own, with me nearby keeping an eye on them? I think I really need some help in learning how to make them more independent!
A. You have really handed me an open ended question. The point you have made is one of the central themes of our times. Has all parenting become a process of keeping our children entertained and amused? Is all a parent really supposed to be doing is to keep their children happy until they are old enough to live on their own?
The answer to above questions is no.
We, the parents are supposed to be teaching our children how to be a fully functioning part of a family in order to teach them the lessons they will need to cope in the world as well as raise a family of their own. To do this they must learn by DOING! Not just watch the process or being told about the process but actually experiencing it first hand, by being part of the process. What does this mean? It means they must be active members of the house hold as early as possible!
What this means for you and your young family is that they are supposed to be by your side HELPING YOU as much as possible, throughout the day, age appropriate. For instance your three year old can help set the table. I encourage all parents of young children to invest in a cheap set of plastic dishes so that young children can help and if they drop them, no big deal! Your six year old can peel carrots and run to get you most things, help you in the garden, dust, pick up things and more. As for your 10 year old, he can do almost anything except drive the car! This includes laundry and cooking!
Everyone is on a learning curve and it will take them time to gain any proficiency at their jobs. But if you don’t start you will never finish. I know in the beginning you will say to yourself that you can do it faster and better so it seems that it’s not worth the effort, then they will never learn. Think of yourself as a supervisor, teach them to do anything that they can and praise them specifically for the jobs they have done, this specific praise for real accomplishment leads to real self-esteem. Be specific not global in your praise and let them know that they have done was truly helpful to you and you appreciate it. The underlying meaning they should understand is; we are a family and we pull together and that’s what makes a family stronger. If this concept of the family working together is what is really behind this new initiative, then your children will grow to understand that this family unity is normal and positive. A gradual change will occur, when thinking of the family, there will be less of the “I” and more of the “we” in their outlook.
The other thing I would suggest is to bring your children into your “sphere of influence” whenever possible. While you are doing tasks that only involve your hands, you can still communicate with them and often that’s all they want, just to be near you and have you notice them. They seek your attention, don’t fight it use it and give it to them as positively as possible. That INCLUDES getting them to help you as long as you’re communicating during the process they will find it to be a positive experience.
Example: You are getting ready for supper and bring your children into the kitchen to help you. Your three year old is given some crayons to work at the kitchen table, your 10 year old washes some vegetables and hands them to the six year old to peel them with a peeler. Your ten year old is busy getting down bowls and helping you with other things, measuring things, breaking eggs, mixing things. (Your six year old likes to mix things too!) As it gets closer to supper your three year old is given the plates and cutlery to set the table, with either your help or the help of an older sibling. During the hole time they have been in the kitchen, you and your children have been either singing or you are telling them of some experience you had as a child or a story from memory or even asking them about their day. This then becomes true family time. A similar situation will take place for the end of the meal when you are cleaning up with the help of you keen work force.
They want to be with you. Let them.
I personally would get rid of the TV, severely limit the time spent on the computer for anything that is not homework and focus on helping your children read better. I’ve seen this work wonders and it releases the mind to be more creative.
Think about this, sit back, plan your moves and how you will present these changes to your children. The most honest and shortest the better, such as “I realize I need some help and the best helpers I have are right here!” I suggest starting with one point in your day and expanding as you get your routines down pat.
With a little work, keeping your children be busy will no longer be a problem. They will be helping you and you will be together singing and telling each other of your day and just having fun as you work together. Times they need to be “entertained” will be at a minimum and planned into your day. Your children are about to enter the world of mastery where they find out how capable they are and if you thought you were proud of them before you are just going to burst now! Wishing you and your family all the best – Bracha
