Difficulty at School

Q. Dear Bracha, my child is having a very difficult year in school. There seems to be a personality conflict between him and his teacher. My child is generally obedient and does not act up, but he is coming home tense and too wired up. When I ask him, he just says that there are so many rules in the classroom, he feels like he is "in prison." I'm getting the feeling that the teacher's style is very rigid, whereas in the past, my child has thrived in a freer, more creative type of atmosphere. How can I help him?

A. We have discussed bulling in this column before and our main problem in getting a positive outcome is that other people are needed to effect change, which means the chances for a positive outcome are poor. Everything in your question rests solely on the personality and good will of your son’s teacher. If you feel you can approach his teacher and reach an understanding of how best serve your son’s needs within the frame work of her class, great! Problem solved. I have a feeling that if that were an option you would have done it already. Now what do you do.

There are two things to remember;

1. Your son will have a new teacher next year, so he only has a few more months to endure this situation

2. The situation should now be looked at as a test of his resiliency; all comments should be aimed at being supportive and not destructive.

It is point number two is what I would like to discuss. There is very little point in putting down your son’s teacher especially in his presence as this undermines her authority and will lead to conflict. It is also a wrong thing to do to any person. As a general principle you should take great pains to impress on your children that they should treat others with dignity and respect. The focus should be on supporting your son by allowing him to verbalize his problems and frustrations with regards to his school and helping him understand why it bothers him and how he can best think about these challenges in order to cope better. We are often given situations that we don’t like but still must deal with. For instance, perhaps mom or dad could tell him about a boss who’s management style is different than what they are use to……….Stories from our own life help our children cope and give them a link to us, it also allows for more release of emotion as they feel safer to release based on the preserved common experience therefore assume heightened understanding in their parent(s). A good one on one in this manner may have a very healing effect.

Try getting into his head and develop strategies with him to cope. Positive thoughts in certain situations, just like the little train who thought he could, you can help your son talk himself though this with positive phrases to use in specific situations. It could be anything that appeals to him. For example, if your son is young and there is a reading period that he must sit at his desk for 20 minutes and just read and he hates it, he could say to himself “trees make books, leaves grow on trees, elves live in the woods” – What does this have to do with anything? Its an example of whimsy, if your son found that this was funny or had an interest in elves or even felt that his teacher would not approve of such thoughts it could give him the control over himself that he needs to handle the situation. It’s all in the mind, the spin. He needs a way to be the free spirit, to have some way of not feeling dominated by his teacher or his environment.

Lastly he needs to be able to release his tension at home in a positive manner. You don’t want him hitting his baby brother when he comes home. Look at some extra curricular activities and see what appeals to him and works with your family budget and time. Also animals are very good for this, though I cannot condone getting a cat just for this unless you feel it’s worth it, knowing you will have a commitment for the next 10 plus years. Cats and other animals release tension very well. The act of stroking an animal creates an instinctive response in humans that releases tension. Many studies have been done on this effect. Perhaps you can bring him into daily contact with a neighbor’s pet and see how that works.

There is no doubt that you are in a tricky situation, but the bottom line is that your son will be exposed to lots of people and situations that will be difficult for him and learning how to cope and work with different types of people is a good thing. He must look at this as a challenge that he can do and will lead to him having greater skills and be a better person. It will require effort, but he can handle it and you will be there to support him every step of the way.

Wishing you and your family all the best, - Bracha