GOD BLESS ALL CHILDREN
Free Chapter: Rules
There is a saying about rules that I’m sure you’ve heard: Rules are made to be broken.
NOT IN MY HOUSEHOLD AND, I HOPE, NOT IN YOURS!
Rules are very useful tools. Practically speaking, there are two different types:
-
The rule that everyone follows for fear of parental wrath.
-
The rule that every child can quote but that every child ignores.
I am sure you understand type one, so let’s look more closely at type two.
Perhaps an example will help. In one family I know there is a rule that no food is allowed outside the kitchen. If you walk into that particular home, you will see food everywhere. This house is now full of teens and there is food in front of the television set and the computer, in the family room, in the bedrooms, etc. Every now and again Mom gets upset and yells, “Don’t you know that you are only allowed to eat in the kitchen?!” The kids look a little sheepish and, under Mom’s gaze, they clean up. A day or two later, the food is back.
So what is wrong here? The answer is, as you have probably guessed, lack of consistency.
With consistency, effort and energy are expended. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to enforce all the regulations. The rules that govern interpersonal relationships and help the house run well are, in general, the more important ones. In the case in question the children were very relaxed, which is good. They did no one any harm, yet cleanliness is also important. So, what to do?
Mom’s mistake was getting upset over the issue rather than enforcing the rule. It was just not workable for her to act as a policeman all the time, looking to see who was taking food out of the kitchen. How this bad habit got started is no longer important. Mom has only two choices, she can either enforce this rule consistently with consequences, or drop it entirely. In this case she could already see that she could not enforce the rule - for her own reasons. Therefore, I suggested that she drop this rule and put into place a family routine that would be much more manageable for her.
I recommended that Mom assign certain rooms to each child that would be theirs to look after for one week. Then the children would rotate and be put in charge of different rooms the next week. After supper each night they would all immediately do a quick sweep of their assigned rooms, picking up all foodstuffs, wrappers, plates, cups, etc., and put things away. This arrangement worked much better for this family.
If a rule isn’t working for you, change it, modify it, or get rid of it, but don’t get frustrated over it!
How to make a rule:
The formation of a good rule takes what you are trying to say or do and distils it down to a very short statement. For example: Look both ways before you cross the street – this rule teaches safety. Another example: Look before you leap. – this rule teaches caution.
These are old examples. Let’s look at a good rule, a favorite of mine that one family came up with. This family had several young children. Frequent arguments and even fighting was breaking out over toys. The children would argue about who was playing with a toy or its ownership. These problems were becoming constant.
After frequent discussion and other efforts failed, Mom made a very keen observation. She noticed that the arguments became a problem only when one child tried to physically take away a toy from another. The reason why the children tried to take the toy from a sibling varied, but the behavior was a constant. As soon as another child physically touched the toy, the matter would escalate.
This was Mom’s intervention: She focused on preventing the action that caused the most aggressive response. The children all knew they could go to Mom to settle any dispute, but they were constantly arguing and fighting. Then the loser would come to Mom in tears.
What did Mom want? She wanted the children to come to her before they started fighting.
What did she analyze? She analyzed the way in which the fights got started - at the point where one child tried to physically take a toy away from another.
What would her rule be?
“You are not allowed to take a toy away from another person. Please come to me if there is a problem.” Once you explain the rule to your children, they know to go to you if there is a problem. Therefore we can now shorten the ‘repeat version’ of the rule like this, “You are not allowed to take a toy from another person.” This is pretty good. It can remain in this form, but it’s easier to make things as concrete as possible for younger children. So, this became the rule, “If someone else’s hand is on a toy, please don’t touch it – ask.” The basic reminder became, “Don’t touch, ask.” This served to solve the problem before it got started.
This arrangement worked very well for this family. How was it enforced? If child ‘A’ tried to take away a toy from child ‘B’, child ‘A’ was automatically given a consequence or time out - before the case was heard. However, if child ‘A’ came to Mom asking to play with the toy and Mom felt the toy should be shared, she would decide how long child ‘B’ should play with it before he was required to give it to child ‘A’. For example, each child might take a turn for a 10-minute period, and Mom would inform each party when his time was up.
In the case where the toy was the property of one child, an additional new rule was established, “Toys you do not want to share must be placed in your bedroom after use. If the toy is found anywhere else in the house, anyone is free to play with it.”
With the introduction of these new rules and routines, this very disruptive and aggressive situation completely disappeared.
REMEMBER: BE CONSISTENT
If you want a rule to work, it’s an ALWAYS rule, not a SOMETIMES rule!
'